Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
