Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Randomize
