Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
