The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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