I could have mohawked her pubes.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I forgot wine drunk hurts
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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