I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize