I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
