I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i love accidental penises.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
