Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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