She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
