if you like me you must not know who I am
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
How's work?
Spinning.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Randomize
