Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
