My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
so let's talk penis.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
