i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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