My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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