I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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