I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
