You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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