I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
