i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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