I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize