Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
