Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
