i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
