Cold hands, warm shart.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
