69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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