I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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