Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
