Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
