No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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