And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I can text with my tongue
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
