hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
