he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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