i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
