Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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