i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Alive.
So much puke
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
