My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
