i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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