he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
