I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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