Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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