You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
