wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
