I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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