I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
