I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
