Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
