I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Don't make out with my wife yet
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
