please come you make the beer taste better
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
