I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Drunk is not a location!
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