By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
