wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
