from now on my penis is your penis
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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