I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Girls should come with a carfax report
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize