I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
