i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
