I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
