My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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