Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
