cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
