i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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