Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
