Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
