ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
